Sharing in Play: Rethinking "Sharing Is Caring" for a Developmentally Appropriate Approach

As adults, many of us grew up with the mantra "sharing is caring" drilled into us from a young age. While the idea was well-meaning, it often placed undue pressure on children to hand over their cherished possessions in the name of "fairness." But when we examine how children develop social skills through play, we find that a more nuanced approach can be much more beneficial.

Why Sharing in Play Is Complex

During play, children aren't just having fun—they're learning critical life skills like negotiation, patience, empathy, and problem-solving. Insisting a child share immediately may short-circuit these opportunities for growth. Instead, we can guide children to learn these skills naturally by allowing them to navigate the social dynamics of play.

When a child says, "Can I have that?" they are the ones asking for something. This presents an excellent learning moment—one where the child can practice patience, negotiation, or even trading instead of relying on adults to enforce sharing. This approach acknowledges each child’s autonomy and the reality that sharing is a complex skill that develops over time.

What Developmentally Appropriate Sharing Looks Like

Rather than stepping in with a blanket "You need to share," we can teach children to manage their interactions in ways that are respectful to both parties. Here are some ideas:

1. Teach Waiting Skills:
   If one child is engrossed in using an item, encourage the other child to wait until they’re finished. Waiting teaches patience and self-regulation, both of which are crucial for healthy social interactions.

   Example: “It looks like Sophie is still using the bucket. Let’s wait and see when she’s done with it.”

2. Model Negotiation:
   Help children learn the art of compromise by showing them how to negotiate. For instance, suggest trading items or taking turns on a timer.

   Example: “How about you use the red truck for two more turns, and then you can trade it for his yellow truck?”

3. Empower Children to Problem-Solve:
   Step back and let children work out their disagreements as long as it’s safe. Intervene only when absolutely necessary, and even then, guide rather than dictate the solution.

   Example: “You both want the same spade. How could you solve this together?”

4. Foster Autonomy:
   Remind children that they have the right to choose whether to share. This empowers them to listen to their own feelings and develop boundaries, which is just as important as learning to be considerate of others.

   Example: “It’s okay to say, ‘I’m not finished yet.’ You can let them know when you’re ready to share.”

Play and Nature: Building Social Skills Naturally

Nature play provides the perfect environment for these lessons. The unstructured nature of outdoor play encourages children to explore autonomy, freedom, and collaboration. When building a stick fort, for example, children naturally practice sharing resources, negotiating roles, and solving problems together.

By allowing these interactions to unfold in the rich, sensory world of nature, we’re giving children the chance to practice social skills in real-life scenarios. They learn that it’s okay to say “no” and that working through disagreements is a normal part of relationships.

Solutions for Parents and Educators

If you’re navigating these challenges during playtime, here are some actionable strategies to foster meaningful social learning:

1. Use Language That Builds Skills:

   • Instead of: “You need to share.”

   • Try: “They’d like a turn. How could we work this out?”

2. Focus on the Asking Child’s Learning:
   Remember, the child asking to share is the one who needs to learn the skills of patience and negotiation. Guide their understanding rather than shifting responsibility to the other child.

3. Set Up Collaborative Play Opportunities:
   Activities like building shelters, scavenger hunts, or mud kitchen play create natural moments for teamwork and shared goals.

4. Be a Role Model:
   Demonstrate these skills in your own interactions with children. Show them how you negotiate, compromise, or respectfully set boundaries.

5. Promote Freedom and Choice:
   Give children space to decide how and when they share. This helps them develop autonomy and understand the value of generosity when it’s freely given.

Why It Matters

When we move beyond the outdated “sharing is caring” narrative and embrace developmentally appropriate practices, we set children up for success—not just in play but in life. By supporting their autonomy, teaching patience, and fostering negotiation skills, we give them the tools to build healthy, respectful relationships.

Nature play is a wonderful way to nurture these skills, combining the benefits of the outdoors with opportunities for meaningful social learning. The next time you’re tempted to step in and enforce sharing, take a moment to pause. Trust that children are capable, and with a little guidance, they’ll learn to navigate these challenges in their own time.

Let’s celebrate their growth, one play episode at a time.